extra dark coffee

i write about pain a lot and a lot of messed up thoughts but i know that i don't show that i'm my own worst enemy a truth few can see so here's a thing i'm a messed up human being still there's hope for me a place happier than the disney it's a smile i preserve in my thought that servs as a pole to clomb up into a better day, a smile that i play over and over in my head when i've laid exhausted from battle within myself when help is nowhere in sight and today... i saw it that teeth of happiness #promise (small things but necessary things.) -yakaa: jujaa:

i've told y'all about the voices and the difficult choices again and again but that one voice relieves me of all the pain whenever it gets too much pains such as both physical and mental or whenever i get over sentimental she always says "switch places???" no matter the cases of distress i don;t have to face anything alone that's for sure cause i have her with me... ( a short one but a meaningful one nonetheless. hehe) #criss (voice is changed. criss finally managed to let go of the past attachment and accept her #promise) -yakaa: jujaa:

i can't share them all i can't even make a call to those who cares to  share those thoughts, those pains everything to loose, only a few to gain as my psych said "i know that you are fed up of your life but one more sacrifise and please don't despise  my words but you have no choice but to keep your thoughts and leave your body in the lobby of death with that being said know that you'll be laid back to back with pain but you'll be sane your choice; mind or body..." so i choose my mind, leaving myself in a sea of physical pain but i'll be mentally sane that's what i chose but from the sea of chaos i'll rise up and fight till hope's in sight and till i right every wrong i've done but till then i'ma put up a stoic front... (a visit to psych and a choice made; mind not body) -yakaa: jujaa:

more and more they demand they want the wand  of insanity and want to roam free but the more i release them the more i get destroyed, same thing over and over again till i no longer remain sane i'm holding on but barely, not a stone hearted person but all my emotions; there but almost gone the battle within myself doesn't end even with professional help a mental breakdown every night till sanity is no longer in sight and then i puke definitely not a fluke yet i fight till my last ride... (been going through some breakdown shit for almost a week now) #roy_de_scuro #criss_walker #obscure_halo  (i'm using full names here so don't get confused) -yakaa: jujaa:

if one thing goes well other things need help all the medications and meditations help my mind but i can't find the things that heal my body in them   and the things will remain the same for i can;t let go of my sanity even of the pills destroys me or my body so i just let it be   and i'm stuck here in a life that's not fair only few years more only a few more memories to share and then i'll be free... (just some thoughts...) -yakaa: jujaa: