It's
June 27th here and it is the morning of her birthday. Yes, today is the
birthday of someone I am in love with and together with but the future seems to
be dark for both of us. She has been mentioned in my recent love poems so for
those who read my blog which I can say is not much, you know who she is.
But
this is not a rat about her. I will rant about her someday else but not
today.
As all
of you prolly know I am someone who has mental illness, it should be pretty
clear bu the poems I write by now and let me face you with the reality of those
who surfer from it.
Right
now when I am writing this rant it is 1: 40 am of the 27th june and yes i m
supposed to go to sleep after wishing her. She actually prohibited me
from waking up so late cuz she knows me and how I function. I am grateful for
her and having someone who understands you is that much important for people
like me... for people like us.
I am a
paranoid person and those who know me prolly know that as well.
Considering that the only male whom I trust and knows me better than all males
in the current times didn't knew that I have a Trypophobia
it says a lot. I intentionally went out of my ways to not come across any
images while searching for the spelling of this phobia cuz it creeps me out and
yes it is a real phobia, though not a mental disorder. This is just a
glimpse on how much people really know about me.
Let me be clear here by saying that in most places in this
rant the word "me" and "us" are interchangeable.
Going back to the main topic, let me explain how every day
goes foe me.
I wake up, chat with tsui chag and try not to have a mental
breakdown the entire day. It is just a constant process of distracting myself
away from those thoughts that can trigger me. One of the mental issue I have is
IED which is to put it dumbly; an anger disorder. In a bit more complex term it
stands for Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I won't go too much into
details here but just know that for those with this disorder, everything and
anything can trigger extreme violent anger within them. How well they handle
this anger, is up to the person.
As for me I suppress this anger by either trying to
distract myself on novels, youtube or facebook or just games. Tsui chan is
there for me to calm me down so I really an thank ful for her. Note that
tsui chan is always there so I won't be mentioning her much from now on cuz
then I will be a rant about her. Anyway, the point is I am triggered by just
about anything and want to punch shit out and throw shit out. it gets worse
when someone says something that specially triggers me. Yes, despite everything
triggering me, some words and patterns triggers me beyond control.
The images associated with Trypophobia is one of them but
apart from these there are quite a few. I pace back and forth trying to hold in
my anger, I cut excessive onions in order to cope, I meditate a
while, I smoke and I do muscle exercise to calm down and these usually do the
trick.
If they fail to do the trick, another part of my mental
disorder gets revealed,that
is Borderline Personality Disorder. Most of you know what this
is prolly if you read my stuffs and for those who don't
know, it is basically a nerfed version of the Aparichit movie where I become
someone else and in my case if my anger gets too much I become ROY. Unlike the
movie I still know what is going on around me, I just can't control my actions
and my actions are nerfed down as well cuz i can barely speak and talk and
write and any other activity that requires some process power.
Another one of these si Cris which is kinda like a defense mechanism
against ROY which occurs when I am super stressed instead of super angry and
here I just do dumb things and have more cognitive ability than in the previous
one.
This is how I am and a part of m which hardly anyone
understands and among those whio know, only a handful are ready to accept them
as something I have no control over.
After that comes the legendary duo, depression and
anxiety.
Once called Manic depression, it is now called Bi-polar
disorder and You all know what anxiety is which is what controls my regular
life along with IED
In the high time of the Bi-polar I do seem actually normal
and I do things that regular people do like socialize a bit and have sane
intellectual talks with people I know and who are ready to share. But it
is the low time when the grandfather Anxiety strikes hard. Now to be clear I
still feel anxious even in high time but I can somehow ignore that
but that saps away when I am in the low time.
The scene goes something like this, a guy who is pacing back
and forth rubbing his had with a smoke in his one hand and his other hand in a
fist muttering shits that even he doesn't understand and with a
tearful eyes. he does that for a few minutes and then picks up his ell
phone and puts on some youtube video and just stares at the wall or the
ceiling with another smoke. After a few hours of that he starts to read
and make some tea while stress cutting veggies. If all is good The one called
Criss or Roy won't pop but if anything triggers him, then welcome fuckers.
In this time when I have basically no place to use my brain
in meaning that I basically have no work to do which I agree that most don't,it
gets frustrating. I am 22 years of age, with no bank account, no job and a
university dropout with hekin issues in my head. Realizing all of these
puts more strain which makes me desperate for work which I cannot do and it is
just a vicious cycle of this shit repeating. For someone who thinks a lot, I
have no place to use this brain power on it all flows out in form of emotions
which my body and brain cannot handle..
this is just my example. Now this happens to everyone in
NEPAL who has some mental issue. The society doesn't accept them saying they
are weird, the siblings doesn't wanna concern with them because the ones with
issue destroy things which is true to some extent as we often get violent with
things but mostly are just thought of as the destroyer of things cause of past,
parents.... lets not talk about them here because then it will be just bashing
them in how dumb they are to mental issues. They do care but they just can't
understand how our emotions and thought process work which is no
surprise considering even we don't understand how they work.
There has been a lot of times where I have considering of
giving up and honestly that thought is not scary as I once felt. Bur the issue
here is someone and something is holding me back from ending this. For us, the
world is trash and we don't see humanity. Why would we? We are the ones who
have been shunned by the society and are left either in the dark or as a
amusement without ever trying to know us and labeled as "mental" and
"psycho". Being called weird is like a "hi" for me to be
honest.
Anyway the reality for most of us is that we have no reality.
Our room is our life and the few ones that care are our world. Apart from that
every one is just static that we need to survive. This is the my view, this is
my world, this is my Reality
P.S This is how I was when I last got dumped so you can guess
what is going through my mind as well. I trust tsui chan a lot but at the same
time, my mind is also giving me bad flash backs as well and yes, I got dumped
near my ex's birthday. If you scroll back enough you will find her #.
Happy Birthday Hammy Chan. Aishiteru boku no kokoro. Arigatou
for comming into my life miss Murasaki no Hana.
Murasaki no Hana ni otanjōbiomedetō
- Eklo Yatri/Yakaa: Jujaan
@Pranish_Hakulal_Maharjan
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