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The reality here #rant 1

It's June 27th here and it is the morning of her birthday. Yes, today is the birthday of someone I am in love with and together with but the future seems to be dark for both of us. She has been mentioned in my recent love poems so for those who read my blog which I can say is not much, you know who she is. 

 

 

But this is not a rat about her. I will rant about her someday else but not today. 

 

As all of you prolly know I am someone who has mental illness, it should be pretty clear bu the poems I write by now and let me face you with the reality of those who surfer from it.  

 

Right now when I am writing this rant it is 1: 40 am of the 27th june and yes i m supposed to go to sleep after wishing her. She actually prohibited me from waking up so late cuz she knows me and how I function. I am grateful for her and having someone who understands you is that much important for people like me... for people like us. 

 

I am a paranoid person and those who know me prolly know that as well. Considering that the only male whom I trust and knows me better than all males in the current times didn't knew that I have a Trypophobia it says a lot. I intentionally went out of my ways to not come across any images while searching for the spelling of this phobia cuz it creeps me out and yes it is a real phobia, though not a mental disorder. This is just a glimpse on how much people really know about me.  

Let me be clear here by saying that in most places in this rant the word "me" and "us" are interchangeable.

 

Going back to the main topic, let me explain how every day goes foe me.

 

I wake up, chat with tsui chag and try not to have a mental breakdown the entire day. It is just a constant process of distracting myself away from those thoughts that can trigger me. One of the mental issue I have is IED which is to put it dumbly; an anger disorder. In a bit more complex term it stands for Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I won't go too much into details here but just know that for those with this disorder, everything and anything can trigger extreme violent anger within them. How well they handle this anger, is up to the person. 

 

As for me I suppress this anger by either trying to distract myself on novels, youtube or facebook or just games. Tsui chan is there for me to calm me down so I really an thank ful for her. Note that tsui chan is always there so I won't be mentioning her much from now on cuz then I will be a rant about her. Anyway, the point is I am triggered by just about anything and want to punch shit out and throw shit out. it gets worse when someone says something that specially triggers me. Yes, despite everything triggering me, some words and patterns triggers me beyond control. The images associated with Trypophobia  is one of them but apart from these there are quite a few. I pace back and forth trying to hold in my anger, I cut excessive onions in order to cope, I meditate a while, I smoke and I do muscle exercise to calm down and these usually do the trick.

 

If they fail to do the trick, another part of my mental disorder gets revealed,that is Borderline Personality Disorder. Most of you know what this is prolly if you read my stuffs and for those who don't know, it is basically a nerfed version of the Aparichit movie where I become someone else and in my case if my anger gets too much I become ROY. Unlike the movie I still know what is going on around me, I just can't control my actions and my actions are nerfed down as well cuz i can barely speak and talk and write and any other activity that requires some process power. Another one of these si Cris which is kinda like a defense mechanism against ROY which occurs when I am super stressed instead of super angry and here I just do dumb things and have more cognitive ability than in the previous one.

 

 

This is how I am and a part of m which hardly anyone understands and among those whio know, only a handful are ready to accept them as something I have no control over.

 

After that comes the legendary duo, depression and anxiety. 

 

Once called Manic depression, it is now called Bi-polar disorder and You all know what anxiety is which is what controls my regular life along with IED

 

 

In the high time of the Bi-polar I do seem actually normal and I do things that regular people do like socialize a bit and have sane intellectual talks with people I know and who are ready to share. But it is the low time when the grandfather Anxiety strikes hard. Now to be clear I still feel anxious even in high time but I can somehow ignore that but that saps away when I am in the low time. 

 

The scene goes something like this, a guy who is pacing back and forth rubbing his had with a smoke in his one hand and his other hand in a fist muttering shits that even he doesn't understand and with a tearful eyes. he does that for a few minutes and then picks up his ell phone and puts on some youtube video and just stares at the wall or the ceiling with another smoke. After a few hours of that he starts to read and make some tea while stress cutting veggies. If all is good The one called Criss or Roy won't pop but if anything triggers him, then welcome fuckers.

 

 

In this time when I have basically no place to use my brain in meaning that I basically have no work to do which I agree that most don't,it gets frustrating. I am 22 years of age, with no bank account, no job and a university dropout with hekin issues in my head. Realizing all of these puts more strain which makes me desperate for work which I cannot do and it is just a vicious cycle of this shit repeating. For someone who thinks a lot, I have no place to use this brain power on it all flows out in form of emotions which my body and brain cannot handle..

 

 

this is just my example. Now this happens to everyone in NEPAL who has some mental issue. The society doesn't accept them saying they are weird, the siblings doesn't wanna concern with them because the ones with issue destroy things which is true to some extent as we often get violent with things but mostly are just thought of as the destroyer of things cause of past, parents.... lets not talk about them here because then it will be just bashing them in how dumb they are to mental issues. They do care but they just can't understand how our emotions and thought process work which is no surprise considering even we don't understand how they work. 

 

 

There has been a lot of times where I have considering of giving up and honestly that thought is not scary as I once felt. Bur the issue here is someone and something is holding me back from ending this. For us, the world is trash and we don't see humanity. Why would we? We are the ones who have been shunned by the society and are left either in the dark or as a amusement without ever trying to know us and labeled as "mental" and "psycho". Being called weird is like a "hi" for me to be honest. 

 

Anyway the reality for most of us is that we have no reality. Our room is our life and the few ones that care are our world. Apart from that every one is just static that we need to survive. This is the my view, this is my world, this is my Reality

 

 

P.S This is how I was when I last got dumped so you can guess what is going through my mind as well. I trust tsui chan a lot but at the same time, my mind is also giving me bad flash backs as well and yes, I got dumped near my ex's birthday. If you scroll back enough you will find her #. 

 

Happy Birthday Hammy Chan. Aishiteru boku no kokoro. Arigatou for comming into my life miss Murasaki no Hana. 

 

Murasaki no Hana ni otanjōbiomedetō

 

- Eklo Yatri/Yakaa: Jujaan

@Pranish_Hakulal_Maharjan

 


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