extra dark coffee

it was defeaning when this silence began i used to go out whenever i can and build castles made up of sand but now everything seems so bland no new taste, no new flavour so i did myself a favor i shut myself indoor and began crying on the floor cause this black emotion had just set in and since then it's all i've been feeling but i've gone to many places, i've been in a lot of situations and seen a lot of things but i can't get rid of this thing thats sown its seed deep in my heart which makes you feel alone, the one that takes all your feeling and makes you numb that takes away all your senses and makes you dumb this feeling grew, to the point that i began to mumble shits and began to fumble my feelings afraid to let them go it made me feel so alone, even in crowd, even among familiar faces and that's just one of the cases yet i can't escape this feeling of loneliness -yakaa: jujaa (written by the demand of a friend)

a thousand thoughts running on my head and those thoughts are laid on a piece of paper but left unsaid burning that piece of paper on ashtray's gate believing that fate will erase those feelings and make 'em gone for good cause those feelinga have no home not a single place to go, not a single place to come from and not a single place to stay, i'm done trying to speak my thoughts done trying to express the battles i've fought from my mouth so i write 'em in a paper, that fight for my attention knowing that they'd be left unread and are going to be ignored for the rest of eternity but those words will stay in my head i'd want to read them i'd want to spread them so i write them and copy them and write again even though i have nothing to gain except the relief from the grief that i can't express -yakaa: jujaa (the reason why i started this blog)

i've lived long enough not long but just long enough to have faced enough to care about my past the one that's not so vast but that's enough to have taught me something vast enough to have defined me as living being it consists of pleasure and pain consists of losses and gain consists of days different and same includes me being insane and sane but now that i've reached this state now that it's gotten this late at night, near the midnights gate the future frightens me the new day that i'm afraid to see but its not only the future its the future of loosingthe home loosing all the sight of the pain i've been through loosing the things that makes me who i am and living another day the same way like u were just born yesterday and forgetting the past like being born just today... -yakaa: jujaa

i don't wanna admit this but right now, i feel like shit and i'm being torn down bit by bit cause i finally admit that there's nothing else but me being careless i've always said that i've laid my demons to rest but now that's not the case cause the problem is me that's what i've realised, to see my issues and all those things are the core of my troubles and now that's so clear like gazing through hubble telescope so now i'll change all of my strange ways and be a better person and save my only home that's my resolution and i will be my own solution and save all of my loved ones from me #promise -yakaa: jujaa (i am the architect of my own destruction....)

i'm weak, weaker than the most but the one thing i have is hope and the will to fight for what's right but now i need rest from my self, i'm my own pest the battle inside my head is growing in the night it's sowing seeds of chaos which in the end goes to become a demon itself i'm loosing time, i have no help in this war against myself and yet i can't even yelp in pain cause no one knows what's going inside my head the medications that's said to help me has failed and my sanity's ship has long sailed and is going beyond my sight yet i fight but for now, i need rest good bye world for now but i vow to return again but for now let me submit to the pain of helplessness -yakaa: jujaa (i vomitted just before. the stress was too much for me. i will be back stronger but i need to rest...)

it's me that we're talking about it's not like you're gonna wanna shout my name and admit that you like my shit but admit this that you won't ever see anyone like me so i'm thankfu for you having patience to soar up in the sky and look up and find me there, you're stuck i know that you're stuck like a damn duck in the middle of a shooting range you have your strange problems that you hide them to my sight cause you dont want me hurt but i heal quickly and i'll always be me but i will change for better we will have a family not like we have now not a dysfunctional one but somehow normal you and me together -yakaa: jujaa #promise

i smoke, take a joint and do ramdom stuffs and point towarda random objects and talk about random subjects cause i have been an addict before i have hallucinated for i took one too many drink of coffee and took one too many bite of the toffee but now i'm searching for another hit these coffee and joint don't effect ma a little bit and i admit that i've left smoking weed cause it breeded those shitty thoughts in my head so i smoke another ciggeratte but i'm trying to leave that too to be hit by reality, boo-hoo i'm scared of life and yet i fight cause the biggest hit is reality and i'm trying to observe that, can't you see that shit happens but it's no reason to quit so shut up your mother-fucking mouth and gear up cause things will go south cause it's the reality -yakaa: jujaa

all those days that i've felt all those days that i've spent doing nothing are creeping up on me and i can't even disagree what my other half tells it tells me to help myself and do something but what about the voices i keep hearing bearing me down with the weight of this world when my vision swirls and twirls as i see a girl but no! it ain't no girl it's just an image of war where there's no gain for either of the teams but the steams from the war is steaming my heart the love bird inside me has died because of the strain inside my brain thats where all those conflicts has taken place -yakaa: jujaa (some days like this makes me question my sanity)

the satisfaction on my face the smile tha stays on my lips are all because of you yes you do lighten up my world that swirles and twirles without your presence but with your essence it just makes my world bright with light that makes my sight clear and your voice yes thats my choice to hallucinate on and i'd be all done to see you and hear your soft marmalade but during the days that i cant see you i laid on the table and remembered your face and as i laid all i could think of was you and yes i do, i love you too and those days have finally come to end all that remains is to send this message to your heart

i know i'll get destroyed but if i try to avoid you there's gonna be a void too that's gonna leave me devoid of any feelings and i'l steeling my heart from tears but u care about me so much and to such extent that you are willing to leave me even if it destroys you, you see that this is a trap cause it will sap out our happiness if we seperate but we may heal too but i'd rather get destroyed with you than to be healed alone and this chills me to the bone so i stone my heart and drink ice cold water just to clear my head #promise -yakaa: jujaa

language: newariz (timila 1 got destroyed so here is part 2 of it. sorry guys) taa ei lipa chha hakana wohe ka:shi wala aa:na wohe timilayaeta swola aa:la chha musukka nhilaa timilayaeta swoya bila saayad chhangu manasuwa puuwona the chowna chhangu khobi swoar mafuma wo jui hae kha aa:la jita chhangu khwale chowngu muskaan na sway mayala ji guli swarthi khanika dhaka ji wo chanhear tini sila kha ji aataka na wohe mikha jhyala shhanta swoya chownima he kha aa:la chha timilayaeta swoyanhila nhila kha lhai jila ashwakhowta la kha, chha aamthe nhiugu khana nuhale  shyai jigu nugala "jita swoya nhyusa jyu" dhaka dhai kha ji aatakana chha timila mappa kha lhagu nyana chowna kha lha lha jigu na kaila dhaihu aasha piya chowna tini ae na masyuma timila yata swoya nhilima mayju chhangu muskaanye hae jigu nugaya shanti du chanhe ji aa na chha nappa dana waya chowngu du kha ji aa:taka n chha nappa nmatina yana chowna tini chhangu matinaye dubinigu aasha jwona thaun...

your smile is like a fine wine that strikes through the darkness of life that makes time so i remember then cause they stay the same in my mind but that's all behind in my past but they will forever last in my head along with those words that you've said so i treasure them with care and as i stare into the blank wall your face just pops into my head and i just wanna stop time as i look at it and oh shit i look at the time and it's the middle of the night -yakaa: jujaa

after a long time you were the first one to touch my soul and spawn those feelings that had long gone and left me without a place to call home but you came in my lame  life, at the same  time i was about to loose in this game called life and die believe me I've tried many times but I've barely survived and i dived in your love you became my all above to me, my world revolved around you but now you were gone again and i would never be the same and i know that you'd return in a short term of days but i couldn't just say that I'd be fine without you cause our memories haunt me and that's all i could be and aimless life form #promise -yakaa: jujaa

language: nepali samanya jivan, ma tyehi matra chahanthe tara samajle malai sadhai hepi rahanthe sara hep ma bahaduri le sahanthe ra aafno duniyama ma antheafai ramauthe naramaepanima kosish garirahanthe ek din hoina dindinai ma runthe sara saathi harule pani malai runchhe nai bhanthe kira jasto malai ganthet mayako aash garirahanthe ghrinako bhasa bhulera yeta uta dulera naya naya saathi sanga bhulera samaya phalthe ma khera ek naya saathile nai malai maya diyo mera sara pida liyo mero aatma hun thiyo khursaani bhanda piro tyehi aatma lai angalyo mera sara pida pakhalyo tyehi satha lei naya umanga pei aaba uthchhu ma hasera ramauchhu ma nachera phaldina aaba ma mero samay khera malai ghrina garne haru, malai hepne haru, aaba ma ka garchhu hera... -yakaa: jujaa

language: nepali ho ma manchhu ki ma sarbashrestha chhuina mero takiya lai thaha chha ki ma kahile kahile ruina tara malai matra thaha chha ki maile k k bhoge mrityo tarfa badheko kadam bich baato mai roke ra aafno laagi aafai uhte ma manasik tanab le chhoirahanthe kothako andhakaarma basi roirahanthiye bigat ka din samjhi aashu bagauthe khushikaa ti chhyanka yaadlai mayale jogauthe ra bhawishya ujjowal banaune sochtheiye ma sapanama ma aakashma hideko dekhthe tara andhakaarle malai bich baato mai chekthe tyo andhakaarlai hatauna khoje aani bistaari ujyalo tarfa hidna thale ma kasam euta khaye maile hares khanna kahilei jati badha aaye pani yo yatra ma rokne chhaina kamjoor dekhe pani ma kamajor manko hudai hoina ra yehi athot lei aafno bhawishya aafai lekhne chhu ma -yakaa: jujaa

so here i am laughing with my friends about some new trends that caught our eyes not that we despise such things and suddenly my abnormality strikes mu heart like a dart piercing through silence it makes me violent my heart beat goes up and the time stops and suddenly i hear voices that gives me a hell lot of choices number one being run up and hide but i try with all my might to ignore it and be normal not to be formal but still act like I've been acting before i try to restore my last seen attitude but my aptitude says it's too much and i loose to my voice in such a way that i have to run away -yakaa: jujaa

i'm searching for something don't know if it's the wings or things or a reason for being a human being but I've always had a longing to find something that I've never been given or had don't know if its a job or a person or just a longing for a true home so i'm just wandering in a crowd with a frown looking at things with a dead eye and i despise nothing or like anything that goes on to some it may be just a normal day but I've been like this for days and i don't even listen to what anyone has to say not even a phrase or a praise catches my attention i'm just looking for a home somewhere i belong -yakaa: jujaa

its not that i don't want you to have any more friends but it still in someway kills me when someone gets more yea just a little bit more close than i am and as i stand ready to fight by your side those people makes me wanna hide from the light yet i smile bright ad try to hide my emotions and i know that you will keep on grow-ing close relations but i just cant help but feel it this gross feeling of jealousy -yakaa: jujaa

sometimes all you need is hope to do something so dope that you won't even need a soap to wash away someones sadness sometimes you being there is all that matters your satires can make somebody shed tears of joy that lonely boy that plays with toy that ragged one, yes that toy give him some love and you will shove some of his smile towards his face and yeah you may be a nut case but a little bit of care wont hurt anyone and please stare into someones darkness, someones abyss and dare to kiss their forehead then their heart will melt so don't be afraid to to take a step into the world of kindness you never know how much happiness can your one word can mean to someone -yakaa: jujaa

is it okay to throw old memories just so you can make new memories, throw old piece of paper to create a new wrapper of art? a new journeys about to start but what if that new journey says don't leave old memory save them and continue the journey along with it and take both of them together but shit it means i cant completely focus of any one of them journeys or memories, but i am the same old person and what if i cant take both of them gifts the and one and new what if the loads too much for me? what should i do? -yakaa: jujaa