extra dark coffee

it all began at night when i almost ate my dinner along with the plate and said i'm not hungry, i don't wanna eat and i'm gonna take a shit and so i did in my toilet seat but this shit's not about that it's about a fact that my emotion's come to me around this time, i can literally see the colors of that time when i used to shine and shit gets heavy on my head i wish i could just go stoic instead of feeling those emotions that i've bottled up, when i use puns to cover up for my sadness and to cover up my anger through madness thirty minute's passed and it just grows and i begin to want to throw up all that i've eaten those overwhelming emotion's beaten the shit outa my sense but as i just remain as dense as a fool as thought fights over as i duck for cover i become a sentimental fool messing up everything that the cool part of me has set up i wish i'd just stop being controlled by my emotions to this extent bu...

ghadima bahra bajeko chha tara yo ghadi ko k bhara sayad galat samaya po dekhako ho ki? kagatma pokheko masijhai chatpatirako chha man, kahi dulna gako hola yo mero chhati chiri resham firiri geet gaudai andhakarma chiri lukamari kheldai chha yo man ani mero dimaagma jhan anautha soch haru palauna thalea chhan hudai chha bhanabhan ti soch haru ko bichma bhari hudai chha sharir, thaleko chha thichna yo madhya raat ko sunyata le malai tara nindra ko atto patto chhaina bigat ka ritto yaad haruma ghumdai chha man kaanma ti yaad haruma chan-chan bajaudai chha bhajan- -ma nacheki aimaiko pauju jasitai awajharu bolaudai chha yaad haru le bhanera "aunu ma kaha ani sajaunu malai fulmala jastai" tara khasdia chhu ma aafnai mutu bhitrako dwanda ma kinaki mera sochharu swatantra roopma yuddha garera juddhdai chhan yo madhya raat ko sunyatama (actually wrote this a day back. fitting for tonight's situation too but it's more of an everynight thing for...

i've walked alone a million times had memories of people who've made me shine bright like a star memories of people who've stopped war inside my head for a few moments but never has my will bended towards a specific way that's fair to say that no road has ever been special to me, no broad memories in any other road not here, nor abroad not that i've ever left my hometown so i'm a hometown clown and yet that path is so special maybe because i've walked it a few times with someone dear who taught me to have no fear and to care  with no limits who's broken me to bits and pieces and sewn them all together yes my memories with her my memories of those warm night when there were only few people in sight and as i reminish them i realize that things have changed not our love but our situation  and that gives me tension so that path is special to me cause it makes me happy-sad and that's what love is; happy-sad so i guess i'...

I'm restless and breathless and it's 2am in the morning I'm up staring at the ceiling those flashbacks haunting taunting me, telling me what i lack as a human being reminding me to put up that facade of strength while i try to mend  my damaged emotions throwing caution to the wind but i get hurt easily too easily but I'm silly enough to not show them cause people pick upon others if they show weakness so i put up a fake facade of strength... (yea so i get hurt easily so what, i heal quickly too and that alone makes me damn near impossible to hurt, but it makes up for a hell lota scars; emotione one at that) -yakaa: jujaa :

someone just gave me a tip and that just gave me a blip of hope and a quote ran across my mind, the one that sand- polished me  and it seems that someone re-quoted that back to me, its a fact it said "and from your ashes you will rebuild you will rise and you will rebuild yourself from scratch and you will be stronger than before" well the quote's a little modified here but well that's just my habit   but just a while before my emotions tore me apart but that and a little encouragement start- ed things and i'm grateful to them   #promise (for the encouragement) #p_bro (for re-quoting that thing back to me) -yakaa: jujaa P.S. the original quote is "and from your ashes of your weakness shall rise your strength and you will rise again; stronger than before"

my palms sweat like i've lost a bet and my body shivers and my left hand quivers short breaths and a sharp headache but it all begins with the most simplest of things like a stammer of words,  like noticing the quirks but the most irritating thing is the soft voice that sings the lullaby of my own demise, add blurry eyes  to the list and that kiss of my demise begins to start leaving me asking questions like "what the hell am i supposed to do?" so i switch over whenever i can #criss(the switch over part) (#promise...don't worry this shit is a part of me) -yakaa: jujaa:

I'm not afraid of all those shapes that i see in the dark, not afraid of the dog that barks but i feel too much every emotions such as anger, happiness, calmness and sad- ness, too much to bear and that tears me apart everyday and i might say that I'm strong, THAT I am but not enough to stand tall before myself, i still need some help to relieve myself of those feelings like steeling them and caging them for a while, like a temporary stoic style but seeing some people makes me wanna break my facade; that i am strong like an adamantium car but I'm not... not enough... (just had a debate with #promise last night about this topic) -yakaa: jujaa:

it's raining there and i was having a fear of people seeing us  so we ran to the dust covered ally, well usually but that day it was mud, beautifully curled curls on her head that sweet smell of her hair the cold got to her and she shivered so i gave her my jacket and so went to an ally where we sat for longer than we had planned for her eyes had banned  my legs from moving my heart began to sing those songs of cupid but i knew that it was stupid of me to think that so i spat  to return to reality warp back to present she's my best friend's girl, a heaven sent  boon for him and although it seems like a dysfunctional shit i really hope that it works out for them but somehow my heart still skips a beat seeing her happy with that jackass it almost seems like a movie cast gone wrong the one whom I'd loved in the past   and the one whom i love are miles apart from being similar but past is past still it's a place where i fond s...

i saw flames in her eyes those flames that she'd hiding from sight of everyone with her facade  it's natural that she'd receive a large  part of hate but that's on debate coming back to me again things always remain the same but lets go back tto her she'd suffered a lot and been through some tight spot so she's strong handling tons of pressure on her own but look at me; a complain box whose life is nothing more than coaxed up lies to show the world that i'm okay so i've spat on myself a number of times in fact every time i whine    about every small things saying that i'm a strong human being but one thing connects us in spite of all the social dust that both of us fight the battles unseen by the world and so we lean on to each other for smiles that keeps on going for miles even though we are miles apart our heart always remains close and that's why I choose  her my love #promise (she is way stronger than she seem...

believe me i care for him too maybe not like you but still to some extent i might just be hell sent gift to him so i switch on when life seems too painfull or too dull for him, i try to bring out joy to his life i try to fight for whats right with all my might and he may be a paradox but he still is innocent as a puppy dog so i try to keep him safe when all hope's left Him, yes he's been through some dark times but i try to guide that idiot towards light as a Remanent of his past a last hope of hope when there's nothing left to cope i come up in pain whether physical or emotional, insane he is but there's sanity in his insanity... #haku -criss walker

i write about pain a lot and a lot of messed up thoughts but i know that i don't show that i'm my own worst enemy a truth few can see so here's a thing i'm a messed up human being still there's hope for me a place happier than the disney it's a smile i preserve in my thought that servs as a pole to clomb up into a better day, a smile that i play over and over in my head when i've laid exhausted from battle within myself when help is nowhere in sight and today... i saw it that teeth of happiness #promise (small things but necessary things.) -yakaa: jujaa:

i've told y'all about the voices and the difficult choices again and again but that one voice relieves me of all the pain whenever it gets too much pains such as both physical and mental or whenever i get over sentimental she always says "switch places???" no matter the cases of distress i don;t have to face anything alone that's for sure cause i have her with me... ( a short one but a meaningful one nonetheless. hehe) #criss (voice is changed. criss finally managed to let go of the past attachment and accept her #promise) -yakaa: jujaa:

i can't share them all i can't even make a call to those who cares to  share those thoughts, those pains everything to loose, only a few to gain as my psych said "i know that you are fed up of your life but one more sacrifise and please don't despise  my words but you have no choice but to keep your thoughts and leave your body in the lobby of death with that being said know that you'll be laid back to back with pain but you'll be sane your choice; mind or body..." so i choose my mind, leaving myself in a sea of physical pain but i'll be mentally sane that's what i chose but from the sea of chaos i'll rise up and fight till hope's in sight and till i right every wrong i've done but till then i'ma put up a stoic front... (a visit to psych and a choice made; mind not body) -yakaa: jujaa:

more and more they demand they want the wand  of insanity and want to roam free but the more i release them the more i get destroyed, same thing over and over again till i no longer remain sane i'm holding on but barely, not a stone hearted person but all my emotions; there but almost gone the battle within myself doesn't end even with professional help a mental breakdown every night till sanity is no longer in sight and then i puke definitely not a fluke yet i fight till my last ride... (been going through some breakdown shit for almost a week now) #roy_de_scuro #criss_walker #obscure_halo  (i'm using full names here so don't get confused) -yakaa: jujaa:

if one thing goes well other things need help all the medications and meditations help my mind but i can't find the things that heal my body in them   and the things will remain the same for i can;t let go of my sanity even of the pills destroys me or my body so i just let it be   and i'm stuck here in a life that's not fair only few years more only a few more memories to share and then i'll be free... (just some thoughts...) -yakaa: jujaa:

it's been months since we last met and I'm still waiting for a date for our next meet for that time when I'll kiss your forehead, your lips and call dibs on your hug but it hurts now that i can't see you, first of all i wanna hear your voice and share all of my pain with you and i know that you do too but for now all i have is pain of that empty place, no gain in our heart and a hope for that time when we unload our cart  inside our heart and shine brightly but i have something else to deal with while i try to sit a voice thrives in our memories it grows and grows till i throw up; my stomach empty and my heart's full of tears; not the same thing but it exists, so i try to suppress   our beautiful memories but I'll care for them our beautiful memories (missing #promise + growth of #obscure_halo) #promise #obscure_halo -yakaa: jujaa:

the moon was bright but my sight got blurred  damn that cursed side of me i said but it said "it's just fate" wait! I've never heard that voice  before, it replied "I'm not your choice" i thought "so it's not Criss or Roy?" it replied "I'm new, you boy! but wait, where am I? all i see is a girl in sight who's holding your hand tight giving you a will to fight I'm new here dude" "so you don't know how to be rude? like Roy or be cool lie Criss?" it replied "i was born in a pool  of memories you fool so stop drooling. i'm born so just accept me and share what you choose to see with me and I'll heal you" (as i was looking at the moon, it talked to me...") -yakaa: jujaa:  

i've been strong even when i'm wrong and i will continue even if everyone sue's  me for being that and as a matter of fact i have my own beliefs one that relieves me of strss so i'll be fresh so i'll care and share the burden of everyone i love even if they stop caring for each other  even if they curse even if they fight among themselves, even if they can't bare the sight  of themselves i'll care and stare them with love (fight between two of my mates) -yakaa: jujaa:

i was bored as hell so i thought i might as well take a tour around the plan seemed sound until i saw a board hanging off a house  so i headed off into that direction in spite of -deep in my heart- conflicted completion i asked them to brew a coffee pot for three times but i knew i should probably not do that but damn i was missing her probably not- but sure  a lot so i drank three espressos-no sugar i needed that for i needed to get high on caffeene and the rest remains to be seen (travel to pokahara. sitting on a balcony of pokhara java as i sipped espressos and smoked i came up with this poem.  i was missing them, her, and a part of me that i had left back home. and yes ROY was taunting me. -_-) -yakaa: jujaa:

an unexpected meet on cold night seat some sharing and a lot of caring that's what tonight was all about damn i wanted to shout to all those troubling you but i have no right to do so, so i caged all my feelings there were a lot of things i wanted to say but i knew it'd just ruin the day or let's say night so i kept quiet but damn i was so happy like that game called flappy bird, i wish i had a sword to cut the time and make it last for eternity #promise (actually i had written this some 3 days ago but i just was plain busy with my other works. i had met #promise after more than a month. and well i was happy. i tried to make her smile, i succeed, i failed both at the same time. i know right it's messed.) #caging_roy_day_9 (it's the one thing that's been bugging me. that sack of shit roy just won't shut up.) -yakaa: jujaa: