extra dark coffee

i was bored as hell so i thought i might as well take a tour around the plan seemed sound until i saw a board hanging off a house  so i headed off into that direction in spite of -deep in my heart- conflicted completion i asked them to brew a coffee pot for three times but i knew i should probably not do that but damn i was missing her probably not- but sure  a lot so i drank three espressos-no sugar i needed that for i needed to get high on caffeene and the rest remains to be seen (travel to pokahara. sitting on a balcony of pokhara java as i sipped espressos and smoked i came up with this poem.  i was missing them, her, and a part of me that i had left back home. and yes ROY was taunting me. -_-) -yakaa: jujaa:

an unexpected meet on cold night seat some sharing and a lot of caring that's what tonight was all about damn i wanted to shout to all those troubling you but i have no right to do so, so i caged all my feelings there were a lot of things i wanted to say but i knew it'd just ruin the day or let's say night so i kept quiet but damn i was so happy like that game called flappy bird, i wish i had a sword to cut the time and make it last for eternity #promise (actually i had written this some 3 days ago but i just was plain busy with my other works. i had met #promise after more than a month. and well i was happy. i tried to make her smile, i succeed, i failed both at the same time. i know right it's messed.) #caging_roy_day_9 (it's the one thing that's been bugging me. that sack of shit roy just won't shut up.) -yakaa: jujaa:

"i'm gonna destroy you and ruin everything you do" it says as i lay on bed at night with sleep nowhere in sight "just let me out and i'ma shout till your lungs explode you know i'll only grow the more you cage me" says my another personnality the one that destroys everything the one that's not a human being but a monster inside my head scarier than the one under my bed and so i fight with it loosing the battle bit by bit as my resolve wears out and as my judgement clouds the monster just grows stronger it's a wonder that i've kept it caged so long i guess i must be pretty strong myself but as i grow weak at night, it seeks to break the luck and mess the fuck out of my life but i will control it with all my might till my last ounce of energy fades... #caging_roy_day_4 -yakaa: jujaa:

Thought I had made a solid decision but this was an exception the reasons were solid like the lid of a water bottle racing at full throttle to its destination but I made discrimination with this one but the fear comes on another voice screams on what if you made the wrong one what if it was a mistake will you be willing to take the responsibility of the world that’s gonna get twirled and whirled with your this move well, it may disturb the groove it may disturb the truce that it had with all your other move and so I fear the lives of my dear ones with this move I made -Seul Voyageur (its actually a poem i wrote for a story. still pretty fitting to how i'm feeling right now. second guessing every move i'm making with a heavy feeling in my heart) -yakaa: jujaa:

socially isolated mentally debated that's what i was loneliness was the cause and that stage lasted for years and i'd shed many tears during that time but i changed i trained my mind to fight to survive in this game called life now i have friends even though they're a bit insane so i try to enjoy i ain't that boy who used to be depressed and suppressed but yea! that part still exists to some extent, it still visits me time and again that feeling of pain (i have no idea why the hell i wrote this one. it just came to me as suddenly as i felt that stinging feeling.)\ -yakaa: jujaa:

it's midnight here and as i stare into the blank piece of paper those razor sharp thoughts come into my head and as i remain dazed so disturbed with thoughts that was brought forth by the very thing i love the very thing that symbolizer dove the silence i hear the tip-top as the time nearly stops the tick-tock of the clock and it blocks all the thoughts in my mind and lets the pleasure shine the pleasure of solitude but that's a different hue soon the memories flood back in both seen and unseen the memory of loved ones and the memory of fun i've had in the past it shatters like a glass as i almost break down and so i frown unable to think straight #midnight_thoughts -yakaa: jujaa:

it was my plan to meet up but yea i had to stop and think twice before i made that decision for to be happy i need to put aside my stoic front and besides smiling and laughing is tiresome for me people don't normally see that stoicism is easy to accept so i smile and laugh except when i'm on my own normally at my home cause i need time to recharge after any and every large group meeting it may just be sitting and talking but i need it of course i can be happy but i just don't perfer it i'll always be afraid cause time has told me again and again so i'm afraid to see the same results coming back bu then i have panic attacks after every long period of happiness so i'd rather choose the stoic kiss.... (well it was my birthday today so i'd arranged for a group union. i was happy for most of the time but it was exhausting and i had a panic attack in between. after that attack i just pretended to be happy. -_- . anyway this poem is for t...

for so long i've trained for so long i've strained my mind but finally the results are in i'm better than i've ever been no more bad emotions inside me besides those i cant see no i wont express them in my face  and that just rests my case of pain i've felt all those words i've never said will pour out through my pen yea i know that there ain't much to gain by doing this but i'm doing this just because i want to just because i have to it's my own resolve that might just solve many problems that i have yes i'm mad for even trying to put up a stoic front when my mind's a war zone no place to call home for my mind, barely there, mostly gone cause the more i put the stoic front the more insane i'll become but i have to do that for those i love i have to be that peaceful dove that everyone wants me to be and by everyone i mean the voices inside me... (its been a long time since the voices inside me (criss and seu...

after laughter comes tears and that's the one thing i fear but i saw them and it was not the same feeling i once had i once used to be glad to see them in others eyes but that's the one thing i now despise especially on her oh! how i wish i could call but it's the middle of the night and she isn't in my sight cause i've just woken up cause the nightmares just won't stop even though it was just a dream it was like a horror film but i saw them tears on the person i care and that's wearing me down... #promise (well i saw this nightmare about a week ago and it broke me apart.i woke up in the middle of the night covered in sweat. and even though it's been a week, it still haunts me to this day) -yakaa: jujaa:

no we're not related but i guess our meet was fated those events that made us close those hoes that drew the bond at first i was just conned to be his side-kick and i made him lick my wounds of depression but soon we became passionate about each other and even though we had many flaws we ended up together we became each others claws to fight for real and wipe our tears i found a brother in a friend #khyampwa (well i've been saving this one for a hell lota time. i wanted to write this sooner but well what can i say m a lazy guy. this is a poem about me and a friend with whom my bond exceeded to more than just friend. love him though) -yakaa: jujaa:

yea we had fun in the sun and in the rain your body that went thtough such strain held on so strong but what's wrong with you, why are you so sad?? just remember the fun we had and smile, don'w frown you will always wear a crown in my heart and even though that feeling's gone apart from my heart you are still there in some corner but you'r sad eyes will haunt me and taunt me for some time to come but you had to go but hey ho! we will meet again my once crush, so called hope #esperanza -yakaa: jujaa: (distanced meet. we met after some 2 or 3 months and we had great fun in the sun. actually a group of us went to visit some place. i talked to her in a good and satisfying [for me and her as well] way after 2 years and just before she left i could see that she was sad. it was heart breaking)

i wish i knew what ails you but right now i don't know what to do i know that you love me too bvut here's a dilema i don;t know what ails you how i wish that you'd be problem free like an old tree that has no problems that just hums to the wind but as i write my confidence dwindles oh how i wish that i could solve everything that ails you, you have a strong resolve to face everything above but as we remain contactless i wish that i could kiss you and come to the other side and give you a part of my life despite the fact that we are connected and despite the fact that i believe everything you've said i'm worried my image's blurred thats why i saay that i love you wish that you'd come back to me soon that you're the grestest boon anyone's ever given me #promise -yakaa: jujaa: (fb deactivation days)

i was just killing time at the street looking at girls, talking to kids when i saw her walk by me i know we'd been close but who was she? i couldn't remember but her curls felt nostalgic like some magic had been created to make me forget her and our moments together, enough said about me, lets go back to her its like i could almost remember those times that we'd been close hell i even remember her words "i will be your pinch_of_hope i will be there to lift you up when you wanna han from a rope i will never be out of your sight i will be there for you, from your the brightest day to your blackest night she said those things but that's all i have in my mind, shit i can't even call her cause i don't even remember her number well i do but the one i have is out of order it was just a glimpse of her that made me almost remember the past that i had forgotten #pinch_of_hope -yakaa: jujaa: (sight at mangalbazar. i saw a random person who kinda reminder of somethin...

i know thats its only a nightmare but thats all i do; care so much that i stare into nothingness and return to my lair of dreams, oh wait! it's a nightmare and in that nightmare i saw tear yes a teardeop from her eyes well its bot like i despise tears but i can't see them in her eyes, but its all the same for everybody i can't see it cause it breaks me bit by bit from the inside so i hide them in my case and i have to share them and kill my emotions inside so all i do is lie to myself but enough about me lets talk about her i lover her so much that i'd die to stop those tears and even though it was in my nightmare it killed me #promise -yakaa: jujaa: (although it was only a night mare...it shook me to the core. i don't ever wanna see such night mares again. but then again, i did have a nightmare. i wonder what that was all about. maybe its because of my fear of loosing her...)

one side says up, another says down do i look like a fucking depressed clown to you when i have these episodes?? when two close sides inside fight within my so called brain trying to take control over my body while i look dazed like a fat glazed bun, yea i'm a nut case so what? i've read every article available on my MPD and i had that shit since before Power Rangers SPD began airing so yea it's been a long time but unlike wine it's only grown worse like an aged racing horse and while i try to guard my important ones from that side, working as hard as i can to keep these personalities  in check they leak out making me look fake but oh! my hard work is paying i can't stop but i keep delaying their appearances in my body till one day i explode till one day i cant contain them no more but till that day I'll work hard without having to say to keep my other sides beside.... -yakaa: jujaa: (i am working hard #promise..just not on the fiel...

yo jindagi kasto chha sochnai sakina maile tara yo jindagi bachna kehi ta garnu parchha tara ma yestai pare yettika barsama k nai gare ra? inaarko fed baata gahiraima jhare ko manchhe hu ma, eklopanko saagar tare ko manchhe hu ma tara shadba khelaunu bahek kehi garna sakina kehi garna sakdina din ra raat ek jasta bhayeka chhan yo bojh haru jun mero kaadhma raheka chhan yo awarapan ko bojh haru hatai kehi garnu chha tara bigat ka dinle satai rakheka chhan yi bigat ka din haru lai angali naya baato sangali agadhi badhnu chha yo awara manchhe lai kakshya diyeko chha mero kasam chha euta aru kasailai yo baato hidera haar manne dine chhuina ma #promise #pinch_of_hope -yakaa: jujaa: (i am an aimless man. the only dream i have is to fulfill the dream of someone else.  those two that i have hashtag-ed gave me inspiration. those two gave me a new reason to fight and although one is nothing but just a damaged memory another one is still here with me....the one wh...

taking the sips off the cup he sits there alone in the crowd as mind boggling thoughts pop up in his little head he could be anywhere instead he choose this place to think and sip deep he sinks as time slips by him its strange how somethings so little can mean a lot the bitter sweet taste of the coffee now drowning in the sea of thoughts he rests his vessel and walks off -yakaa: jujaa: (today. after seeing off alu and dhompwa i went again to rikson bro's coffee shop and drank my extra dark coffee and thought some more. i gave #promise a gift on friday and she wore it in one of the important days of her current time. it just made my heart melt. i know it doesn't mean much but it meant a lot to me. as i drank the bitter coffee, those thoughts of #promise made my heart flutter with joy. then the thoughts of being separated from her came to my mind. it hurt way more than i thought it would hurt. 3thing's that i would do all i can for: coffee,karela and the t...

it's funny how some words can heal you while some can steal your steel strong resolve and make you feel shitty, some can make you do supernatural boom blast, so choose your words carefully you don't wanna be a bully by using harsh words but there's something even more painfull than words: thats silence a sign of growing violence in ones mind a sign that the light that once used to shine brightly has come to an end, its a sign that that kind mind's disturbed so word warriors be alert and listen to the click of the clock use your words to heal not to steal someone's happimess and send them to darkness use your words to seal away someones violent silence -yakaa: jujaa: (i've had some great days and some bad days in the past few weeks and i realized that  i needed a word warriors words to calm me down but i ended up helping myself. my other side that is. i finally gave something to my loved one. and i had a feud with someone i valued the...

he's shaking now everybody's wondering how well how about him wanting to shout that he is stressed the darkness has carassed his forehead and given him the dark kiss he's vomited twice and has a loose shit and he's being torn apart bit by bit his anxiety's more than just waist deep his WiFi's dead so no distractions and his stomach's been upturned by constant contractions yet he fights yet he writes till he sees tomorrow's light keeping a little bit of hope in sight but he can't contact his love and he is worried cause he has to shove more pills into his throat no more load he says yet sleep's not on its way it's been one of the worst days and on the floor he lays under the dark sky believing his own lies knowing that he is weak but still believing that he is growing stronger with each passing breakdowns -yakss: jujaa (i actually wrote this poem about a week earlier but as i already said, no WiFi to upload. it w...

i feel, more than most do but what can i do? i want to show them feelings too and not even going to loo helps me relax people say "chillax bro why are u so tensed up???" but i am relaxed, more than the love dove they say i look sad and that they feel bad when they look at my face well i say that i can't show my feelings that's why i write that's why i fight with myself, two sides within me one trying to numb me down, one trying to feel usually the first side is winning since the beggining of time a lot of emotions unexpressed a lot of words unsaid and here i lay them words -yakaa: jujaa